"Everyone is Saying I Should Invest."

Mr. Fielding from Somewhere, California writes ... Hey Hans, Everyone is saying I should invest, but I'm worried about the risk. If everything goes south, is it better to have hard cash? Should I pay down credit?

Hi Mr. Fielding,

Thanks for writing in. You ask an excellent question. Without knowing all the details (and even if I did), the best answer I can give is, "it depends."

I did, however, consult to two successful professionals in the space. Yousef Parvizi is a Silicon Valley career, life, and money coach. JD Miller is a financial planner and CPA. We discussed your query and other smart investment principles in general. Enjoy!

The top 3 Take-ways:

1. Create a written down plan and timeline for how you want to live and by when

2. Use a long-term investment strategy

3. Pay off your debt, but not necessarily all of it ( it depends on #1)

The Intelligent Investor, First Edition (1949)

If you're genuinely interested in the stock market, check out the Intelligent Investor by Benjamin Graham (1949). It is essentially the investment bible with financial wisdom that has proved the test of time. You'll learn all about the mindset necessary to invest well for a lifetime - fun fact: Ben Graham was Warren Buffet's mentor.

I hope that helps a little. Take the best of care. ~Hans

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Hans is an ICF-certified executive coach at Inner Confidential, specializing in mental fitness and methodologies for healthy organizations, and a NASM CPT specializing in weight loss and behavior change at the SoFit Network.

Disclaimer: The Helpline Podcast is not a crisis resource. If you are in a crisis and need immediate help, please contact your local emergency services or go to the nearest emergency room.

"Am I Relying Too Much on My Husband? (part B)

...continued from Cathy's original post: "Hey Hans, I'm recently married and fear that I'm relying too heavily on my husband for emotional support. I've always been sensitive and cared what others thought of me, perhaps more than I should, but I can feel it affecting my relationship."

Master Gottman trainer, Dr. Nancy Young

continues our conversation on the principles of a healthy relationship. She also speaks more specifically to Cathy's write-in from [part A].

Dr. John Gottman's seminal work studying over 3000 couples allowed him to predict which marriages would divorce with a 92+% accuracy. He isolated the four behaviors most deadly to a relationship and called them the Four Horsemen of the relationship apocalypse. Read on to tame these wild behaviors.

Drs Gottman and Dr. Nancy Young (center)

Defensiveness

as it suggests, occurs when you feel assaulted. It results in one of two strategies. Either the partner will whine innocence as the victim or counter-attack with an alternative accusation, like, "Well, you didn't take out the trash last week!"

[Do this instead]:

Take some portion of the responsibility. "You're right, honey; I forgot to do that for you like I said I would." Demonstrate your willingness to learn, try and support your partner.

Stonewalling

is when your cognition shuts down, the wall goes up, the eyes glaze over, and no more information is getting through. It's when your nervous system "floods" from an overstimulated stress response. Dr. John Gottman found that when a partner becomes so aroused (around 100 heartbeats per minute), cortisol and adrenaline levels make further conversation detrimental.

[Do this instead]

Time to take a break and self-soothe. Go for a walk, run, workout, or meditate; take a time out to calm down. You might need 30 minutes or more. It's important to check back in when you're calmed and clear on what you want to say. Set an appt with your partner (within a few hours ideally) - and keep it.

Criticism

is as simple as describing your partner. Any "you" statement like "you never," "you're always," "you keep," "you are...." Whether you feel you're accurate is not the point. The point is that criticism grates at your partner, and it tears at your friendship.

[Do this instead]:

Be gentle. Use "I feel" statements. Insert an emotion word, a description of the situation (not your partner) and what you need as an action.

For example:

"I feel (uncared for) when (my needs aren't considered); what I need is (more communication) about what both of us need.

Don't wait for the next blow-up! Write out 4-6 responses now. Better yet, grab your partner to help you construct them for each other.

Contempt

is the #1 relationship killer. It's an advanced stage of criticism that takes on a nasty, sarcastic, belligerent, or superior tone. It can be profane, eye-rolling, or doubtful disregard to a partner's intention, comment, or desire, and it can cause a fight in a second. In many ways, the contemptuous person has elevated the negativity because the criticism "didn't work."

[Do this instead]

Scale your arousal down using gentle start-ups. Use "I feel" statements just as in criticism. Understand that desires toward contempt are counterproductive to communication. Being sarcastic and mean is often easier than being honest and vulnerable, so it'll take practice to undo this habit in yourself.

Remember: So many of the skills to tame the horsemen relate to emotional regulation. But understanding your attack and defense mechanisms is the first step in tailoring your solutions. Of course, it will take practice because these are perishable skills. Building a healthier relationship is like building anything of value. It takes time, care, and occasionally a do-over. Keep practicing to tame these horses, so they don't trample your partner.

I hope that helps a little. Take the best of care. ~Hans

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________________________________

Hans is an ICF-certified executive coach at Inner Confidential, specializing in mental fitness and Gottman methodologies for healthy relationships, and a NASM CPT specializing in weight loss and behavior change at the SoFit Network.

Disclaimer: The Helpline Podcast is not a crisis resource. If you are in a crisis and need immediate help, please contact your local emergency services or go to the nearest emergency room.

"...Because He's Mine! But not in a crazy way!" (part A)

Cathy from Portland, Oregon writes... "Hey Hans, I'm recently married and fear that I'm relying too heavily on my husband for emotional support. I've always been sensitive and cared what others thought of me, perhaps more than I should, but I can feel it affecting my relationship."

"...I know that my anxieties and self-esteem issues are things that I need to work through and I've begun seeing a therapist (virtually now) once a month. But even before the wedding day, I was worried that he might back out because of my high expectations (thankfully he did not). But clearly, that's not a good sign! If I'm having a bad day for instance and call him at work, I'd want him to take the time to talk to me. And later, maybe follow up verbally, or do something nice (flowers, cook dinner, buy me a cookie lol, something!) I mean, I would do that for him. Is that too much to ask? I'm frustrated because it feels like I'm never getting enough support and he's frustrated because he feels like he's always letting me down. We argue a lot. But when he complains of constant failure, I end up swallowing my emotions and not sharing them because I don't want to always be "on him" but then when he doesn't see that I'm clearly upset, it just makes it worse. I just want to be his main priority, because he's mine (but in a non-crazy way). Is that unreasonable?"

Hi Cathy.

Thank you for writing in. I invited my dear friend Dr. Nancy Young to weigh in on your situation. We split the conversation into two parts; she responds more specifically in [part B].

Dr. Nancy Young, Pathways to Wellness

It's so good that you've included a therapist in your strategy for your own healing. It shows awareness and attentiveness to your own needs. Well done seeking help!

Is it unreasonable to be your husband's "main priority?" Not at all - some of the time. All the time? Yes, it is unreasonable. Like the ebb and flow of water on the beach or the rising and setting sun, the two of you must share common emotional ground some of the time, but not all the time. You set your husband up for failure if you expect him to be your all, all the time.

Every relationship is unique in managing their shared emotional space, but it's valuable to appreciate the differences in how you support one another now presently. Your husband's love language is likely different than yours: that's okay and to be expected. You may love through gift-giving, he some other way. As a couple (of individuals), you are both together and separate. As such, you will have to understand where he ends and where you begin.

If you're yearning for a particular type of support and he's having a hard time delivering what you're requesting, lots of possibilities exist. The most innocent is that it's taking time for him to learn what you need, as it will take time for you to understand what you should do for yourself.

There is no easy answer here, but there may be clues in your message. If your anxiety is the real culprit for your doubt and frustration, try to map it out emotionally. When do you have bad days? What types of situations, thoughts, or memories send you down the rabbit hole? Study yourself. Continue to work with your therapist, but do your homework too. Therapy isn't the complete answer either.

As you continue to learn about yourself (on your own and in therapy), you will find that your ability to love and support yourself (and your husband) grows. It should lead you to create a wider network of support to fulfill your life and interests. As that occurs, you can rest knowing that your husband loves and believes in you - and that even if that should fray - that you love and believe in yourself.

In the meantime, if you'd like your husband to buy you a cookie when you're down, tell him. All spouses should know what makes the other happy. And if he can't do it, buy a cookie for yourself.

I hope that helps a little. Take the best of care. ~Hans

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________________________________

Hans is an ICF-certified executive coach at Inner Confidential, specializing in mental fitness and Gottman methodologies for healthy relationships, and a NASM CPT specializing in weight loss and behavior change at the SoFit Network.

Disclaimer: The Helpline Podcast is not a crisis resource. If you are in a crisis and need immediate help, please contact your local emergency services or go to the nearest emergency room.