Got Trust? Dr. Gottman on Healthy Relationships

John Gottman on Trust and Betrayal

by Dr. Gottman.

The nation's top marriage expert explains why trust is essential to couples and communities--and how we can build it. In this excerpt from his talk, Dr. Gottman discusses his trailblazing work on the science of trust, exploring its importance for couples and communities alike.

For more than 40 years, I’ve studied what makes marriages work. I’ve observed thousands of couples, and many of them—the masters—can skillfully solve their problems.

Yet many others get stuck in their conflicts. Even couples who attend one of my institute’s workshops or therapy sessions have a hard time putting what they learn into practice.

I’ve found that we can help 70 to 75 percent of these couples. But what about the other 20 to 25 percent? How do we help them? What separates them from the masters?

To answer this, I looked at focus groups we did around the United States, involving couples at every social class level and from every ethnic and racial group in the country. I looked at work we did that was funded by the federal Administration of Children and Families, looking in particular at couples about to have a baby. I looked at a large study we did of newlyweds, starting a few months after their wedding. I looked at work we did with the families of soldiers who were deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan.

What I found was that the number one most important issue that came up to these couples was trust and betrayal. I started to see their conflicts like a fan opening up, and every region of the fan was a different area of trust. Can I trust you to be there and listen to me when I’m upset? Can I trust you to choose me over your mother, over your friends? Can I trust you to work for our family? To not take drugs? Can I trust you to not cheat on me and be sexually faithful? Can I trust you to respect me? To help with things in the house? To really be involved with our children?

Trust is one of the most commonly used words in the English language—it’s number 949. When I went to Amazon.com and typed in “trust,” I was surprised that 36,000 books came up. Now, a lot of these were business books, on how to set up a financial trust. But most of them were really about trust in relationships, and trust in general.

On Psych Info, the database that psychologists use to do a literature review, there were 96,000 references to “trust.” And it turns out that when social psychologists ask people in relationships, “What is the most desirable quality you’re looking for in a partner when you’re dating?”, trustworthiness is number one. It’s not being sexy or attractive. It’s really being able to trust somebody.

Through my research, I’ve found that trust is essential to healthy relationships and healthy communities—and I’ve started to learn how we can build trust.

Why trust is important

Trust isn’t just important for couples. It’s also vital to neighborhoods and states and countries. Trust is central to what makes human communities work.

In a recent line of research on “social capital,” sociologists ask people: “Do you think people can be trusted?”

This research shows there are low- and high-trust regions of the United States. Nevada is a very low-trust region. (Nobody seems to be very surprised by that.) Minnesota is a very high-trust region. The Deep South is a very low-trust region.

We see similar disparities internationally. In Brazil, two percent of people say they trust other people. In Norway, 65 percent say they trust other people.

So what are the characteristics of low-trust regions? Few people vote, parents and schools are less active. There’s less philanthropy in low-trust regions, greater crime of all kinds, lower longevity, worse health, lower academic achievement in schools.

And low-trust areas have greater economic disparities between the very rich and the very poor—and the greater the discrepancy between the very rich and the very poor in a country, the more it predicts economic decline in that country.

Clearly, there are vast implications of low trust for states, for neighborhoods, for countries. Isn’t it amazing that it’s in the best interests for us to care economically about the people who are disenfranchised in this country? Yet over the last 50 years, CEOs in the U.S., on average, have gone from making 20 times what the average worker makes to 350 times what the average worker makes.

Harvard University political scientist Robert Putnam wrote the classic book on social capital, Bowling Alone, which documents the dramatic decline of trust and community in the United States over the last 50 years. Yet when Putnam was asked, “Okay, how do you change all this?”, he had to say, “I don’t really know.”

I think part of the answer involves first defining trust and measuring it scientifically. Science requires us to be precise and objective. When we measure something objectively and precisely, we automatically get a recipe for how to fix it.

Building trust

So how do you build trust? What I’ve found through research is that trust is built in very small moments, which I call “sliding door” moments, after the movie Sliding Doors. In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner.

Let me give you an example of that from my own relationship. One night, I really wanted to finish a mystery novel. I thought I knew who the killer was, but I was anxious to find out. At one point in the night, I put the novel on my bedside and walked into the bathroom.

As I passed the mirror, I saw my wife’s face in the reflection, and she looked sad, brushing her hair. There was a sliding door moment. I had a choice. I could sneak out of the bathroom and think, “I don’t want to deal with her sadness tonight, I want to read my novel.” But instead, because I’m a sensitive researcher of relationships, I decided to go into the bathroom.

I took the brush from her hair and asked, “What’s the matter, baby?” And she told me why she was sad. Now, at that moment, I was building trust; I was there for her. I was connecting with her rather than choosing to think only about what I wanted. These are the moments, we’ve discovered, that build trust.

One such moment is not that important, but if you’re always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in a relationship—very gradually, very slowly.

My graduate student Dan Yoshimoto has discovered that the basis for building trust is really the idea of attunement.

He has broken this down with the acronym ATTUNE, which stands for:

• Awareness of your partner’s emotion;

• Turning toward the emotion;

• Tolerance of two different viewpoints;

• trying to Understand your partner;

• Non-defensive responses to your partner;

• and responding with Empathy.

By contrast, the atom of betrayal is not just turning away—not just turning away from my wife’s sadness in that moment—but doing what Caryl Rusbult called a “CL-ALT,” which stands for “comparison level for alternatives.”

What that means is I not only turn away from her sadness, but I think to myself, “I can do better. Who needs this crap? I’m always dealing with her negativity. I can do better.”

Once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship; of trashing your partner instead of cherishing your partner; of building resentment rather than gratitude; of lowering your investment in the relationship; of not sacrificing for the relationship; and of escalating conflicts.

I believe that by understanding the dynamics of trust and betrayal, we can work to make relationships more trusting. But more than that, we can help people become more

trustworthy. ~𝛿

Dr. John Gottman is a psychologist and one of the world’s leading researchers in the field of marriage and couples. His research has enabled him to predict, with over 90% accuracy, when observing a 5-minute conflict conversation, which couples will stay together and which will separate. The articles were re-printed with permission from the website of The Gottman Institute, an organization that teaches practical skills for successful relationships. For videos, products, workshops and therapy, visit www.gottman.com. Copyright © 2021 -2022 by Dr. John M. Gottman. Reprinted with permission by The Gottman Institute.

"Am I Relying Too Much on My Husband? (part B)

...continued from Cathy's original post: "Hey Hans, I'm recently married and fear that I'm relying too heavily on my husband for emotional support. I've always been sensitive and cared what others thought of me, perhaps more than I should, but I can feel it affecting my relationship."

Master Gottman trainer, Dr. Nancy Young

continues our conversation on the principles of a healthy relationship. She also speaks more specifically to Cathy's write-in from [part A].

Dr. John Gottman's seminal work studying over 3000 couples allowed him to predict which marriages would divorce with a 92+% accuracy. He isolated the four behaviors most deadly to a relationship and called them the Four Horsemen of the relationship apocalypse. Read on to tame these wild behaviors.

Drs Gottman and Dr. Nancy Young (center)

Defensiveness

as it suggests, occurs when you feel assaulted. It results in one of two strategies. Either the partner will whine innocence as the victim or counter-attack with an alternative accusation, like, "Well, you didn't take out the trash last week!"

[Do this instead]:

Take some portion of the responsibility. "You're right, honey; I forgot to do that for you like I said I would." Demonstrate your willingness to learn, try and support your partner.

Stonewalling

is when your cognition shuts down, the wall goes up, the eyes glaze over, and no more information is getting through. It's when your nervous system "floods" from an overstimulated stress response. Dr. John Gottman found that when a partner becomes so aroused (around 100 heartbeats per minute), cortisol and adrenaline levels make further conversation detrimental.

[Do this instead]

Time to take a break and self-soothe. Go for a walk, run, workout, or meditate; take a time out to calm down. You might need 30 minutes or more. It's important to check back in when you're calmed and clear on what you want to say. Set an appt with your partner (within a few hours ideally) - and keep it.

Criticism

is as simple as describing your partner. Any "you" statement like "you never," "you're always," "you keep," "you are...." Whether you feel you're accurate is not the point. The point is that criticism grates at your partner, and it tears at your friendship.

[Do this instead]:

Be gentle. Use "I feel" statements. Insert an emotion word, a description of the situation (not your partner) and what you need as an action.

For example:

"I feel (uncared for) when (my needs aren't considered); what I need is (more communication) about what both of us need.

Don't wait for the next blow-up! Write out 4-6 responses now. Better yet, grab your partner to help you construct them for each other.

Contempt

is the #1 relationship killer. It's an advanced stage of criticism that takes on a nasty, sarcastic, belligerent, or superior tone. It can be profane, eye-rolling, or doubtful disregard to a partner's intention, comment, or desire, and it can cause a fight in a second. In many ways, the contemptuous person has elevated the negativity because the criticism "didn't work."

[Do this instead]

Scale your arousal down using gentle start-ups. Use "I feel" statements just as in criticism. Understand that desires toward contempt are counterproductive to communication. Being sarcastic and mean is often easier than being honest and vulnerable, so it'll take practice to undo this habit in yourself.

Remember: So many of the skills to tame the horsemen relate to emotional regulation. But understanding your attack and defense mechanisms is the first step in tailoring your solutions. Of course, it will take practice because these are perishable skills. Building a healthier relationship is like building anything of value. It takes time, care, and occasionally a do-over. Keep practicing to tame these horses, so they don't trample your partner.

I hope that helps a little. Take the best of care. ~Hans

Get Help

________________________________

Hans is an ICF-certified executive coach at Inner Confidential, specializing in mental fitness and Gottman methodologies for healthy relationships, and a NASM CPT specializing in weight loss and behavior change at the SoFit Network.

Disclaimer: The Helpline Podcast is not a crisis resource. If you are in a crisis and need immediate help, please contact your local emergency services or go to the nearest emergency room.

"...Because He's Mine! But not in a crazy way!" (part A)

Cathy from Portland, Oregon writes... "Hey Hans, I'm recently married and fear that I'm relying too heavily on my husband for emotional support. I've always been sensitive and cared what others thought of me, perhaps more than I should, but I can feel it affecting my relationship."

"...I know that my anxieties and self-esteem issues are things that I need to work through and I've begun seeing a therapist (virtually now) once a month. But even before the wedding day, I was worried that he might back out because of my high expectations (thankfully he did not). But clearly, that's not a good sign! If I'm having a bad day for instance and call him at work, I'd want him to take the time to talk to me. And later, maybe follow up verbally, or do something nice (flowers, cook dinner, buy me a cookie lol, something!) I mean, I would do that for him. Is that too much to ask? I'm frustrated because it feels like I'm never getting enough support and he's frustrated because he feels like he's always letting me down. We argue a lot. But when he complains of constant failure, I end up swallowing my emotions and not sharing them because I don't want to always be "on him" but then when he doesn't see that I'm clearly upset, it just makes it worse. I just want to be his main priority, because he's mine (but in a non-crazy way). Is that unreasonable?"

Hi Cathy.

Thank you for writing in. I invited my dear friend Dr. Nancy Young to weigh in on your situation. We split the conversation into two parts; she responds more specifically in [part B].

Dr. Nancy Young, Pathways to Wellness

It's so good that you've included a therapist in your strategy for your own healing. It shows awareness and attentiveness to your own needs. Well done seeking help!

Is it unreasonable to be your husband's "main priority?" Not at all - some of the time. All the time? Yes, it is unreasonable. Like the ebb and flow of water on the beach or the rising and setting sun, the two of you must share common emotional ground some of the time, but not all the time. You set your husband up for failure if you expect him to be your all, all the time.

Every relationship is unique in managing their shared emotional space, but it's valuable to appreciate the differences in how you support one another now presently. Your husband's love language is likely different than yours: that's okay and to be expected. You may love through gift-giving, he some other way. As a couple (of individuals), you are both together and separate. As such, you will have to understand where he ends and where you begin.

If you're yearning for a particular type of support and he's having a hard time delivering what you're requesting, lots of possibilities exist. The most innocent is that it's taking time for him to learn what you need, as it will take time for you to understand what you should do for yourself.

There is no easy answer here, but there may be clues in your message. If your anxiety is the real culprit for your doubt and frustration, try to map it out emotionally. When do you have bad days? What types of situations, thoughts, or memories send you down the rabbit hole? Study yourself. Continue to work with your therapist, but do your homework too. Therapy isn't the complete answer either.

As you continue to learn about yourself (on your own and in therapy), you will find that your ability to love and support yourself (and your husband) grows. It should lead you to create a wider network of support to fulfill your life and interests. As that occurs, you can rest knowing that your husband loves and believes in you - and that even if that should fray - that you love and believe in yourself.

In the meantime, if you'd like your husband to buy you a cookie when you're down, tell him. All spouses should know what makes the other happy. And if he can't do it, buy a cookie for yourself.

I hope that helps a little. Take the best of care. ~Hans

Get Help

________________________________

Hans is an ICF-certified executive coach at Inner Confidential, specializing in mental fitness and Gottman methodologies for healthy relationships, and a NASM CPT specializing in weight loss and behavior change at the SoFit Network.

Disclaimer: The Helpline Podcast is not a crisis resource. If you are in a crisis and need immediate help, please contact your local emergency services or go to the nearest emergency room.